Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
