My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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