U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
