I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Mom said you looked used
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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