and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I could fuck to npr.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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