I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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