i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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