it was like eating out sand paper
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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