You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
