i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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