We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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