I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
