best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
