You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
