I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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