So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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