Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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