did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
