Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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