remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
