He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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