YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
