Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
