i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
