Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
