i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
