She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
