Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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