after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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