Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
