honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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