So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
she looked like the before picture.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
