Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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