pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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