So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
