She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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