Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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