Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You can't motorboat a personality
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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