Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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