yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Randomize
