Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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