I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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