I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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