I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
