I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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