I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
