If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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