I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
