Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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