On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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