I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
