Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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