Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
