If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize