omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
