im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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