I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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