but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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