then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
